At this current point in my life I’m now quite sure that I’m either about to:
Completely lose it entirely descending into absolute madness and..uhm..well, the unknown I suppose. That’s what it always comes down to, the unknown and how humans are terrified of it, fuck- we might be the only species remotely concerned with the unknown at all. That’s the fuck of it, you know? You get afraid. Why?:
The only thing you have to be afraid of is death and even then it doesn’t matter because it’s going to happen to all of us eventually. This fear of the unknown causes us to shelter ourselves mentally, and it directs us to become scared. See? It’s the unknown that you’re all afraid of. Uncertainty, if you will. <~ god dammit I hate saying that. If you will. Had that ever been said without coming off as a twat? Anyway..
So either I’m going to lose my fucking mind or im going to (authors note: I sat there (for about five minutes) trying to think of what else might happen and nothing came. I guess I am a wreck, I honestly can’t think of an eloquent way of describing the alternative reality I will face if I manage to do well for myself, I don’t know the outcome of success because I’ve never succeeded for myself; I’ve always been that underachiver.
Since I gave up attempting to live for my parents I’ve been mostly happy, but there are those bloody thick moments of uncertainty, where it seems like I have control of nothing. Who has control of anything, anyway? I’m not sure where I meant to go with this but I honestly needed it. I don’t write as much or as well as I used to, maybe I’m just supposed to be what I always thought I’d be. Bohemian as fuck. I’m going to write, I’m going to paint and I’m going to create. That is my place in society. Everyone has theirs and the chill part about it is that you pretty much get to decide where you want to go, all you have to do first is completely let go and just listen to yourself, so what you love, not what you feel compelled or pressured to. Stop letting outside influences and indoctrination control you. Think about what values and morals you’ve had imposed on you, do you really agree with these things? You might not. I’ve heard this generation called the new hippie generation, but honestly we’re better than that. We appreciate the correlation, but we’re out to one up what our parents began with but then left with such reckless abandon.
I guess that’s it.